entries
Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 4:25 AM
A rainbow which isnt too obvious taken from my phone camera.describes my feeling. "faded"
faded feeling between us.
you may say that you love me.
but do you ever notice the distance.
the drift from you away from me?
maybe i have been giving you problems.
causing you pain and stress & you went drinking.
i controlled you a little cause i just feel its pointless to drink& get drunk.
wad does drinking helps u?
in thinking? nah? it confuse u.
i dun really stop u tad much.
which i hate seeing you from the one i know, the one i cared&show my love to, being like tad.
i got 'counseled ' by FWENS jus for u.
saying its school holiday lah.. so on &....
but things still resume for u when u're back to school.
I dunno what happen again & you started smoking.
at first i kept thinking you bluff me. you always like to joke with me.
but it got lesser when times go by...
so, at chalet. i actually want to find u just to accompany u outside
Just right, ii open the door,i saw you smoking.
how devastated i was?
curiosity kills a cat!
though u tried hard to hide it from me and fling it to the bin beside u when my back was facing u.
but u didnt know i went straight back to the room and acted i was going out to buy thing.
i actually went out JUST TO CRY.
you canot imagine how tad image hurts me right until now.
& again. i was 'counseled'.
saying u're stress. and u JUST tried smoking for fun.
DEN WHY THE HELL YOU GOT ADDICTED?
so, WE started drifting from this moment.
you know clearly i hate smoking. & why the heck you do tad.
at that moment of time, wad came STRAIGHT to my mind was...
our relationship is not as strong as i thought. EVEN smoking can replaced me.
den you started Shisha.
even worst den smoking. tot u just tried the sake for fun.
cause we are curious wad since we're young.
but it seems u're going often though u dun tell me at times.
I am not stupid, seriously. dun take me like an idiot please.
aft tad onwards u continue going back late & all.
relationship is further away.
i tried to wash my hands off u.
hearing from others tad i always restricted you.
so, i get u do wad u want. though i m not happy.
wadeva i tot of is you.
at least i noe u're happy. u enjoyed.
all i hope was you could like talk to me.
tell me some things like where you go & so.
u didnt noe how happy i was when u told me info's like you went somewhere.
but at time, u told me things like i dun like. but i also didn't really said anything.
eg. i going ming's hse. i going mahjong
So, we hardly sms.
hardly call.
topics for us got lesser and lesser.
i dun wana tell you things all the time cause i hope you would be the one talking.
but everytime, i m the one doing the talking.
BUS? MRT? PHONE? SMS?
all ur replies were short? eg. OK.
i flooded the whole sms with text and you text me an OK.
now you telling me you changed.
you are not the one like the past.
and told me you wont be like the past.
& i got to accept the new you.
the new you was a SMOKER.
HELLO?
WL told me you might quit smoking.
ME: might lo
WL: he will one lah, just for you.
so, this is wad i got. & now i got to accept the smoking u?
sorry, i cant accommodate to tad.
i got to see you going out late at night most of the time, drinking, going shisha.
u dun feel the pain in me. looking you holding tad cigarettes box.
the new you. doesnt really sms me, doesnt really talk to me..
said u're scared of making me angry. but have u tot if u kept quiet all the way?
i m like talking to WALLS?
though he said he love me.
kinda contradicting.
cause its hard for me to believe when u're not showing euff care n concern.
maybe i always feel insufficient.
calling and hang cus we got no topic.
actually ytd, i a bit dun feel like going out when i heard 3 couples.
so 2 are jus started dating. i wld be thinking of the past honeymoon period we had.
and obviously i wld get jealous of them.
and i did. i m jealous
i went ur hse busstop cus i really dun wana go plazasg alone.
but when i reach ur place. i saw ur impatient look & i got a scolding from you.
i just kept quiet the whole journey.
just hoping & praying u noe i need you to talk me, care abt me.
all i got was nth.
i cried in the taxi, if u didnt notice.
nvr got to talk to u face to face.
u might not noe when u went church abandoning me there without saying anything to me.
i cried too?
shld i thank you giving me the courage to break out into tears in front of friends?
the more i look at them. i felt sweet for them as they gotten the other half.
i felt sad for myself too. honeymoon period was gone for me since a long time ago.
seriously i think all this is because of me.
if there is no me, there is no relationship.
no stress. dun nid to smoke&drink&go home late.
if all this didnt exist, ur family wouldn't stress on you.
right now, i m helpless to you.
i looked like a toy open its eyes looking at you, sitting down there not talking.
i blame myself as i couldn't help you.
i got a way for you.
last option.
redeem your freedom from me.
just tell me. you want your freedom back.
cause you dun need me, so i should let you go.
though it hurts me a lil.
but i will still be happy for you
maybe we can still be friends wad.
i m alright with that.
so you have ur freedom n u can smoke in front of me.
i can wait for fwens when they smoke.
so, if you want your freedom, just tell me.
i grant you your wish
i feel like being a porcupine now.
i want to hide at a corner. hoping tad no one will reach to me.
